I feel compelled to write, however frustrating that is in the middle of the night- considering i should be sleeping or making better use of my time preparing for my all important presentation coming up.
I feel a little more at ease now i know that James is going to run over things with me tomorrow, its nice to get that second opinion, i’m sure i’ll feel more settled knowing whether or not i’m on the right track.
That, alongside the idea which Jack has given me is surely helping to ease the sky rocketing stress levels.
The last two days have been interesting emotion filled days, its funny how certain things people say and do can trigger such various emotions, but i guess thats where the phrase “makes you wonder” comes into it.
It does make you wonder whether that is “convenient” or not.
Whether something that is “ok” with some, no problem observed, can seem to sit so unsteadily on my mind. Is that really ok then?
I guess it would be if it hadn’t been clarified one way or the other, by doing so I guess it (“those words”) actually made things worse- in my eyes. Especially when I question the intentions, because i return to the convenience of things…
Hmmm…
But hey, keep in mind I am often deluded in my sense of judgment.
As i’ve so often been told.
Its interesting to see how things have changed over the years, the people I’ve drawn closer to, the people that seem to be slipping away. It frustrates me in a sense because i look at other relationships i see others have and watch as they dont see how in an instance things change, how people fall away, i see them struggle to hold on to something they once belonged to, only to make fools of themselves, or perhaps jeopardize the people they do have beside them, that are strong and stable, all in the quest to hold on to being “that guy”. With “those” friends.
I find it funny that certain people will think this is about them, but others who will think they know who its about will have no clue, that in fact, it is actually them i speak of.
The days seem to come and go recently, i have amazing days where i wouldn’t doubt things for a second, but its those cloudy days which really seem to throw a spanner into the works, i just cant help to think… perhaps…
I hate thinking like that, but its reinforced, without even realizing, and the wrong in it (so to speak) isnt even seen by the perpetrators.
Funny. I guess i could quite easily be a perpetrator also.
Alas, who knows.
I just know that its not on… the things that are said, the actions which take place, life isn’t just one big joke, sometimes jokes can have massive ramifications and you wouldn’t even see it coming.
Not everything is just “ok”.
However, I really wonder if my perception of what is acceptable, differs so significantly from others, am i that disconnected? Thats a pretty major issue if thats the case.
More often than not though, i dont think i’m that far off the benchmark.
That is whats frustrating.
I guess its just food for thought, and another long thought-filled sleepless night ahead of me. I guess you’ll just think its “convenient”. Ha!
